She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
