My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
