oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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