The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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