In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
