he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
