mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
