im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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