I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
