I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
did i just pee glitter
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