Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
