I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize