She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
