party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
