before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
