Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize