Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
