No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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