you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am naked and annoyed.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
