Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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