I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize