maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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