Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You have to summon your inner elephant
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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