I love black thongs
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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