Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
