I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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