does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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