Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
