he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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