I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
