How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
