my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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