this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
