I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize