I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
