I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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