I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
