i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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