It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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