chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
