My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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