Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize