Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
