Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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