you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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