and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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