Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
