So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
