I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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