I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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