Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
tell me about the eggs
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
