Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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