I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
