That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sober January is a disaster.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
