I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
